So Broken and So Beautiful

What must we do to restore?

Text conversation and a rant

Andrew (10:16 PM): Miss you already...

Me (11:42 PM): Miss you too

Andrew (12: 48 AM):

Me (1:42 AM): Where the fuck are my meds?

Andrew (1:43 AM): Gone. Not taking chances

Me (1:45 AM): If you threw them away, don't come back here.

Andrew (1:50 AM): You're welcome too... they are not thrown away, just hidden.

Me (1:50 AM): Swear to go. I'm going to kill you when you come back I was going to take a Seroquel to go to sleep when I saw what you've done. I fucking hate you right now.

Andrew (1:53 AM): If you need them I'll tell you... I'm trying to help you.

Me (1:57 AM): Whatever, you don't trust me.

Andrew (1:59 AM): You kinda make me worry... you have threatened and shit.

Me (2:01 AM): I'll start taking them again when you come back then.

Andrew (2:11 AM): I'm sorry

Me (2:12 AM) No. I"m the one who is sorry. You don't deserve to be going through this.

Andrew (2:14 AM): I love you... I signed up for this.

Me (2:15 AM): You shouldn't love someone so crazy.

Andrew (2:17 AM): But I do

Me (2:18 AM): Why? You don't deserve to be going through what I put you through and I don't deserve your love when I've treated you so bad.

Andrew (2:21 AM): cause I love you... nerd!

Me (2:21 AM): sigh

Andrew (2:29 AM): LOL

Me (2:30 AM): I can't sleep

Andrew (2:53 AM): Tylenol PM?

Me (2:57 AM): Won't help.

Andrew (2:58 AM): I'm sorry

Me (3:00 AM): I'll live.

Basically, Andrew; my boyfriend, is out of the apartment this weekend. Earlier this week we got the first eviction notice saying that we owe over $1000 on rent. I'm over whelmed by it all and started thinking that since he would be gone this weekend (Friday-Sunday possibly Monday) it would be the perfect time to finally go ahead and kill myself. Well, I have razors, but I also have high doses of Seroquel, Lithium and Celexa that I could take in one swig and end my life. He hid them, as you saw on the conversation and that pissed me off because like I said in the conversations, I wanted to take one Seroquel and a Lithium so I could sleep. Now I'm alive, but it got me; "he hid my meds... BUT NOT THE RAZORS!"

We are talking through text + since he is at a convention for the weekend. Just casual talk though; non of this drama-llama crap I've been saying lately and still hiding deep inside. I haven't cut since yesterday and that cut yesterday happened while he was here at the apartment, taking a shower in our bathroom. He knows I cut yesterday; denied it at first saying that I just banged my knee when really I effed up my knee by cutting a deep gash but then I confessed ON FACEBOOK that I did indeed cut yesterday afternoon. The razor is down, but at ready for if I need to pick it up again.

I know he's probably freaking out as he is over at this convention. Maybe because he could be realizing "shit! I forgot to hide any sharp stuff from Ellie," or "we have such a small apartment, maybe Ellie found her meds." But I'm still alive, right. Up to now nothing has triggered me but if it does, I know what resources I have. Either I'll come here or to any other support group I'm a member of or worse comes to worse, I'll cut again just to relief myself. Hopefully I won't be triggered to the point of cutting.

(no subject)
I swear, I'm a fucking mess. The other night, Tuesday, I had a fight with my mom for something stupid. I get invited to go somewhere with my friends this Saturday and she throws a damn fit about it. I'm 26 years old and I can't do shit with my friends? I have to be on my fucking house every minute of every hour of every fucking day? Nah, that doesn't work for me. So I tell her than, she starts breaking stuff around the house and the next thing I know I am on her face and we get into a fucking physical brawl. That night I cut, I couldn't handle it anymore and I slashed my arm a couple of times. Yesterday and today I was doing like SHIT at work, but more so today than yesterday so now I am home trying to be as far away as possible from my biggest triggers; my parents. It really fucking sucks and hurts to live this way. I don't deserve this, and neither do they. My world has been turned upside down. I feel so tiny when everyone is a fucking giant trying to stomp me and break me.

(no subject)

I wanna fly away

Into a beautiful day

Fly closely to the sun

Find where I belong

See them fly all over me

Smile at me tenderly

I know them by name

They know that I'm ashamed

I played a dangerous game

I've got butterflies in my head

Circling above my head

Fragile and beautiful

So loyal and faithful

With every scar they drop dead

They live so tragically

I'll trap them in my skin

Tattooed across my back

My rainbow won't turn black

Hold my hand through the dark

Beautiful and precious to me

Secured within me

My shelter and my shield

Everything I need

The world to me

Manha Manha
Holy shit it's been a long time since I've written a post on here. Fuck my tits! Nah, don't take that literally. It's just an expression I like to use. So the last time I wrote was on March 16, 2011. MARCH 16 OF LAST YEAR!? Seriously, it sounds like I've been estranged; like I ran away or something when truly I just have been way too busy to sit down and write. Well this is what has happened in my life. Remember how 2010 turned out to be a shit year in the life of Ellie? The hole silent war that I had with my best friend and the horrible crap my parents put me through? Well the past year was actually a really good one. Starting that my best friend and I are still best friends and my boyfriend is trying to be a good friend to them as well. I do hope this works out. Also, remember how in 2010 I started working for Universal Studios Orlando Resort as a Seasonal? Well, in January of 2011 I was promoted to Part Time and in November of 2011 I was promoted again to FULL TIME! Lets just say that 2011 was the year of Ellie!

2012 started pretty good but it has been rocky for my family; my parents and my boyfriend family. Of course I'm standing still on the fact that if I don't live with my parents I don't have to help them as much as I need to help the people I live with now but I also stand on the fact that if my rent increases once again I am moving out of that house and get my own little place with my boyfriend. 

So in a couple of days is my 26th birthday. Fuck me I'm old! Scary fact; in four more years I'll be 30. THIRTY AND UNMARRIED! Now that scares the shit out of my ass. I honestly don't want to see myself unmarried. I want to be married even if I don't have kids. First, I know I can't have them and second my boyfriend doesn't want them. Maybe he doesn't want them right now. Maybe he is stating that he will not ever want them but in whatever case, I want to get married. 

I really have more shit to say but my mind has just gone blank. Well here's one last thing I can tell you all. I've begun to write my book. It's in the works but I'm writing it. As soon as it is looking good I will begin the process of submitting it to a publisher. I really hope it will get published.

That's the only way I can describe how I feel right now.

I have dressed up 2 year old Aiko.

I will never...
give up on my dream.

I'm meeting with her. After months of silence we are finally going to see each other face to face. I'm excited.... but yet I am nervous. I just don't understand why I am so nervous.

Two days...

Before my twenty-fifth birthday and I feel very empty. Then again, this emptiness isn't my fault but the guilt of someone else. I let her step on me, in the worse kind of way and now, even though I have my fiance; the best guy I've ever been with, I feel alone.

I wrote her an e-mail and I don't know if she read it. I kind of said something that well should have been phrased differently. Is not that I don't want to see her at the park. I mean it is a huge park. But the part of the park where I work? That's where I don't want to see her. Is just a small wish that I know will not happen. I just know that if she does shows up at my workplace I will feel completely uncomfortable.

I mean... if I was to go to her place of work I bet she would feel uncomfortable after all the stuff that has happened between us. That's why I haven't been to that groceries store since this all happened. I think, she should understand that the same would be for me if she shows up at my place of work.

But is whatever; both places are public places and this is only between me and her. We all know that I could go to her job or she could go to mine and we could not see each other. Not because I want it that way - and so does she, but because there are far more other people in the world and because I know we both don't want to see each other.

Well, I hope she reads the e-mail. I think I will post a copy of it here.

The EmailCollapse )

And another thing; my mother, father and even my fiance are absolutely rignt. After she got married, she did changed, and NOT into a better person; but into a BITTER person.

And just for the record, I AM NOT A TOXIC FRIEND/GIRLFRIEND/PERSON!!!! That actually hurt me even more from the mouth of some chick that left a comment on my ex best friend's journal than the shit my ex best friend has said lately. Well, is 50/50. Both have actually hurt me equally.

Okay, ENOUGH! I am not going to let a party pooper like my ex best friend ruin another birthday for me... because yeah, last year it started all good but her drama at Wonder Works DID ruined my day. And yet, she ruined her own birthday celebration by treating my fiance and me like garbage. Thus you all know I am talking about the celebration I threw for her birthday.

I want to keep this journal open; I don't want to delete it, but everytime I come on here is to write about how hurt I've been by my ex best friend's words. It is so not fair to be going through this. Believe me, I fucking miss the girl and her husband. He was like a little brother to me. But now? I don't even know if we could start again; not from where we left off but a new start on all of this. Now only with me but with my fiance too. I mean now that I am engaged, I also come in two.

I really hope that she reads this entry and not just that, but that she comments on it. Even if it is to say something a bit hurtful or to say whatever she wants to say, is enough for me. I think I will email her a link to this entry.

So... I had to be the one making the first move? WTF? I'm tired of being silent. If you want to know how I felt BEFORE I TEMPORATELY deleted my journal as well as how I STILL feel thanks to the shit you've been saying lately, go ahead and read it. Up to you to email me.


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